My wife and I get in the car. I turn right heading into town. Next, I turn left heading west.

“What are you doing?” my wife asked.

“Are we going to Matt and Mary’s?” I reply.

“No, they are meeting us at the restaurant. Don’t you listen to me?”

“When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen.” — Ernest Hemingway

Listening seems to be more challenging these days. We have so many distractions. We stop at the light. Let me check that text from Staci…

Pay Attention

When I try to pay attention, I understand, of course, I can get bored easily. So I need reminders. Perhaps it is putting your phone away.

What is your distractor? For some, it is your phone. Trung is a co-worker that can talk forever. When my mind wanders I try to take notes on what he says.

Show it

When you talk to someone show that you are listening. Put your phone away. Look at their eyes. Perhaps nod occasionally.

Listening involves patience, openness, and the desire to understand. — Stephen R. Covey

This can be more difficult on a phone call or Zoom meeting. Listen. Closing your eyes can be helpful too.

Take Notes

I have fidgety hands. I keep my notebook close. Pen and paper help me focus. Instead of taking notes on my computer, I choose the old-school approach.

When I use my computer I tend to want to check my email. Or worse yet social media.

Defer Judgement

In Stephen R Covey’s classic 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, he tells the story of riding the New York subway. A man boards with his children. The kids begin annoying the passengers.

Covey finally says something to the man. The man responds by saying, “sorry we just came from the hospital. My wife just died.” Covey describes how his paradigm shifted.

“We have the power to hold no opinion about a thing and to not let it upset our state of mind — for things have no natural power to shape our judgments.”
— Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 6.52

Essentially, we can defer judgment until it is necessary. Many things come and go that require no opinion. Or in Covey’s case, we aren’t seeing the whole picture.

Frameworks

There are numerous listening frameworks. Let’s review a few that I have used. Experiment with these and see how they work for you.

Active Listening

I am sure you would never do this, but I occasionally listen to people while simultaneously being on my phone. Active listening reminds us to focus more. Put the phone down, Tom!

“Rather than giving someone a fraction of your attention, active listening is making a conscious effort to hear, understand, and retain information that’s being relayed to you.”-CSU Global

I feel like that “fraction of your attention” was meant for me… As I mentioned earlier, PAY ATTENTION. Consciously focus on them.

Active Listening Exercises

• Ask open-ended questions: “Tell me more about that?”

• Summarize what was said: “So I heard you say …”

• Practice non-judgemental listening. (Do I need to have an opinion?)

Three Levels of Listening

Most of us barely listen to what is being said. In the Three Levels of Listening this would be level one.

1. Level one listening is focusing on ourselves. Our thoughts and words.

2. In level two listening you focus on the other person’s words.

3. Finally, level three we hear words and observe body language, tone, etc.

Exercise

Find someone who enjoys a topic you also enjoy. Start with level one listening. Focus on what you want to say. Stop after a few minutes and reflect.

Next, continue the discussion with level two listening. Focus on their words and what they say. Stop after a few minutes and reflect. Compare this to the previous level one.

Finally, try level three listening. Take a wider approach. Listen but also look for tone. How does their body add or take away from what they are saying? Once complete then discuss how the three levels work. What takeaways do you have?